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The History of a Sarcastic God
Written by Bardia
Nikpourian
Cast:
Saint Pete
God (woman)
Bobdaman
Satan
(Bobdaman enters his house and sits at a table to check the
mail)
Bobdaman: Bills…Bills
Free dinner for two at the Wong Wong’s buffet… Junk… Ah there we are the
directions to this weeks Sunday poker game.
(Proceeds to
open the letter)
Bobdaman (reading letter aloud): you have been selected to
attend the poker game of the century be there or be smitten…. Signed Jesus
(Mexican style)….Hmm… must be another one of those Mexico
hold’em games... Well now, I know the rules and they will be in for a surprise.
Bobdaman: I wonder
why the directions to this week’s poker game are in Hebrew. Mexican guy +
Hebrew equals…. Ah-well, it is probably just another one of those Sunday games
that is run by a delusional psychopath.
(Begins to look around and follow the directions in hand)
Bobdaman: (walking) (sees sign) Ok I found 33-33 N savior
blv. Now I’m supposed to find some kind of stairway. It’s on the left. Ok found
it
(Runs of stage still climbing)
(Enter Saint Pete)
Saint Pete: “Guard this gate Petty boy Ill
be back... This gigs only temporary anyways” Yeah right I have been here for a
thousand flipping centuries without a vacation. I should have just given this
job to Abraham.
God: Peter Piper YOU SALLY LITTLE GIRL. Sometimes I think
you are more of a girl than I am. You are always whining about this or that.
The gates to hard to open. I’m tired of asking people questions n. As I said
you will get you’re vacation time tonight. Now be a good boy and guard the
gate.
Saint Pete: And what makes you a reliable source to believe...
HuH?
God: Umm... Open your
eyes lil’ buddy I’m kind of God... You know that whole all knowing all-powerful
thingy ma jig yeah that’s me.
Saint Pete: Prove it then big one
God: you’re wearing your pink elephant boxers as we speak.
you ate curry last night and you have a severe personality disorder… actually
that last one was just from observation
Saint Pete: I should have known you’re always right
God: yep always
God: please go polish the gate while I put some clothes on
we have descendents of Adam coming for the poker game and you know how touchy
feely they are about clothes.
(God exit and Saint Pete hides himself hoping to surprise
the guest)
(Enter Bobdaman sweating and puffing profusely)
Bobdaman: three thousand six hundred sixty six (exhales
deeply). I made it to the top this better be one heck of a poker game.
Bobdaman: (looks around confused)… where the heck am I
Saint Pete: please refrain from usage of that word. It does
upset the master.
Bobdaman: What in the name of Go…
Saint Pete: Ah Ah Ah that’s a no no!
Bobdaman: where is that voice coming from.. Hello! Who’s
there?
Saint Pete: Welcome Bobdaman I’m glad to see that Cerberus
didn’t have his way with you as you walked in…. (Mumbles)Like he did with the
other few guests.
Bobdaman: Ok that’s freaky. Who are you? And How do you know
my name?
Saint Pete: Divine Caller I.D ( shrugs) now seeing that you
have chosen the right path in your life ( to audience) unlike that guy that came in asking for forty virgins
lemmie tell you we let him have all forty Virginians boy did he ever have fun
in the “ ( motions the quotations with his hands) time out room (points down)
Bobdaman: what? What
is that supposed to mean. What’s with you.
I just got up here and I want to know where I am
Saint Pete: well I would tell you where you are but you keep
breaking the rules
Bobdaman: what rules, the card said this was a poker game
and we haven’t started playing poker so there aren’t any rules yet
Saint Pete: (pulls out a long list of rules) actually, there
are a lot of rules
Bobdaman: Ok I'm tired of your games and partial if not full-blown
case of insanity. Look, I just walked up three thousand steps I DO NOT HAVE
MUCH PATIENCE FOR THE LIKES OF YOU. I walked forty days and forty nights and
all I ask is to be admitted to the poker game.
Saint Pete: Pshhh... (Ala
Timmy R.) You could have taken the elevator. Your unjustified anger is not my
problem. Actually according to the recorded…( pulls out another massive sheet of paper) You have committed
more sins that McDonalds has sold hamburgers and that’s OVER 1 BILLION SOLD and
that my friend is the reason you have been invited to represent the race at the
TENTH SEMI-DECCA CENTURY POKER GAME OF THE
UNIVERSE
Bobdaman: Dear God this man is crazy (to himself and the
audience only) someone likes to incorporate roll playing into the weekly poker game
eh?
Saint Pete: Well if you’re going to write a letter to God,
it had better be longer than that. He hates letters that have no content.
Bobdaman: what how did you now what I was saying. What
happened to the whole line on the stage thing? You can’t hear me past this line
Saint Pete: Actually, that only happens in earthly
theatrical performances
Bobdaman: so were not on Earth?
Saint Pete: nope
Bodaman : where are we then
Saint Pete: heaven
Bobdaman: well that would explain the large number of steps
Saint Pete: And you are here to play a poker game with God
and his associates
Bobdaman: God? I find this kind of hard to believe
Saint Pete: That usually happens with the N00bs. And you my
friend are a newbie if I ever saw one
Bobdaman:. Somehow (sarcastically) I’m having a hard time believing you
Saint Pete: how many times have I told you stop angering the
master only he can judge you merely perceive. You are a pawn in the greater
scheme of all of his glory
Bobdaman: (aside) I
shoulda just left the letter on the desk and gone to Wong Wongs for dinner. But
I had to play poker didn’t I. Now i'm stuck here chatting to a raving lunatic
Saint Pete: Ok I am sorry we may have gotten of on the wrong
foot. I didn’t mean to upset you I was just trying to tell you that this wont
be any ordinary poker game.
Bobdaman: Yeah I figured as much from what’s already
happened
Saint Pete: Ok well now that you are here Bob let me tell
you why you have been chosen to play in this game.
Bobdaman: Hi-ho there silver, you still haven’t exactly told
me who you are
Saint Pete: Right, well I can’t tell you who I am because I
don’t really exist per se but I will tell you who I was.
Bobdaman: right agent Q whatever you say.
Saint Pete: Well in the latter days of my existence, your
race used to refer to me as Peter A. but my friends call me ROCK!!!!!
Bobdaman: Rock kind of awkward for a man of your build isn’t
it??
Saint Pete: why would you say that? I think its very
becoming after all God herself gave me
the name.
Bobdaman: she gave you the name rock ( scratches chin) Whoa
your saint peter. I’m so sorry for everything I said before. Nice to meet you.
Saint Pete: well according to the book you’re forgiven
Bobdaman: So where is God?.
Saint Pete: he should be coming down shortly? Meanwhile may
I offer you some snacks? (Point to platter and two chairs)
Bobdaman: sure why not? OHHH A SHRIMP PLATTER!!!!
Saint Pete: Billion and one
Bobdaman: what are you talking about you have the most
random lines in this whole play
Bobdaman: Ok fine ill
just eat some Ham instead
Saint Pete: umm wouldn’t do that either
Bobdaman: well then what can I eat that wont upset you oh
holy one.
Saint Pete: Nothing really, I was just being polite you
assumed you could eat it. You know what they say... don’t assume anything
because you make an …line edited under the jurisdiction of the Tempe Prep
Community at large... That is to say the population over 20
Bobdaman: well that’s insightful back to square one when is God
going to come down
(Enter God)
Bobdaman: Oh, my goodness that’s the most beautiful perfect…
(Faints to be caught by saint peter)
Saint Pete: (slaps bob back into consciousness)
God: well hello bob
Bobdaman: Hi …. Hi, I’m Bob nice to meet you
God: not the brightest one are you, well first off, I’m God,
and I would like to welcome you to heaven. The other guests are just arriving
so you can take a seat the bathrooms are the cloud over there where there is a
hole so that you can see the earth.
Bobdaman: Wait I’m actually in heaven…. I’M DEAD!
God: No not yet that will happen in a few more years nasty
truck wreak. It really is gruesome
Bobdaman: ok so I’m in heaven, you’re God, and I’m not dead…
If you’re God why do you look like a woman
God: Because the last time I showed myself to one of your
kind, they made a golden cow and started prancing around it... Screaming
something about stale bread.
Bobdaman: Oh, that explains this guy being so uptight.. And
I’m …
God: I know you are Sorry, about what you said yes I know
everyone’s always sorry, but since you’re here for the game, we will let it
slide. Now I have to tidy this place up a bit, but since you’re early, you can
do whatever you like.
Bobdaman: (down Aside)
do you have any idea what’s going on OF COURSE YOU ARE ALL ALREADY IN
HEAVEN DON’T YOU’RE ONE OF THEM…. (Leaves stage ranting and mumblining
something about heaven.)
Exit Bob and Saint Pete leaving only God and a feather
duster cleaning the room)
(Dim lights)
End Act I.
(Bobdaman Explores heaven and runs into an unexpected houseguest
who appears in the room almost magically)
Bobdaman: Wow look at all the stuff the souls have in
heaven. No wonder people like God
Enter Satan ( really cool entrance)
Satan: it’s not all its crack up to be you know that’s
precisely why I left.
Bobdaman: what the heck, how come you people just pop outta
nowhere and start yelling stuff at me. What is wrong with you guys??
Satan: well at least I’m not one of the fruity people that
live here. I prefer the weather to be a little hotter.
Bobdaman: is that so? Well I’m from Arizona
and it’s pretty hot there. I can possibly imagine anywhere hotter
Satan: how about hell
Bobdaman: yeah but that’s not a real place
Satan: Actually, you are wrong. As you will find out in a
couple of years if you do not change your habits.
Bobdaman: Why does everyone who’s from here think that they
know everything?
Satan: Because we do you dimwit
Bobdaman: Whoa, there what’s with the attitude?
Satan: Whoa, there what’s with the attitude?
Bobdaman: Don’t start with me
Satan: Don’t start with me
Bobdaman: Go to hell
Satan: ( turns from boyish figure into a demon like tone)
NOOOOO YOU GOOOO TOO
HELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bobdaman: (pees pants) dear lord!
God: (runs on stage) Yes may I help you
God: Hey Lucifer couldn’t you use the front door! How many
times have I told you not to come up through the carpet? Now I have to
resurface it again. This is precisely why I gave you your own apartment to
trash.
Bobdaman: AHHHHH I HAVE HAD ENOUGH WITH YOU PEOPLE IM GOING
HOME!!!!
God: (mumbles something to Satan)
( Bobdaman has an imaginary wall put in front of him)
Satan: hahahahahah I love it picking on you is almost as fun
as picking on Job
God: you’re not going anywhere till we play THE POKER GAME
OF THE UNIVERSE
Bobdaman: whatever, im soooo fed up with you guys you’re
always picking on the lowly human
God: maybe if I told you what we were playing for you would
be more enthusiastic.
Bobdaman: and what’s that?
God: your salvation
Bobdaman: So I’m going to play against poker against Satan
and God hah im sure I won’t lose
Satan: (crossing fingers) no powers
Bobdaman: fine ill stay but only as long as I am comfortable
God: wish it and it will be so
Bobdaman: deal (shakes hands with God and Satan thunder
strikes)
(Bob exits)
God: why did you say we wouldn’t use our powers.
Satan: we still can he just doesn’t have to know
God: correction you still can
Satan: No, you misunderstand me. I had my fingers crossed
MUHAHAHAAHAHA!!!
God: oh well then it’s his own fault for not perceiving that
I guess. Kind of like it’s ok to kill a thief at night but not during the day kind
of thing eh?
Satan: Sure, whatever floats your feet
God: Right
(All enter) (Saint Peter sets up chairs and a poker table)
Saint Pete : ok the tables are setup lets play
(Everyone sits down)
God: bob would you like to shuffle
Bobdaman: sure ( shuffles cards) so what type of poker game
are we playing
Satan: Personally, I like HOLD EM
Bobdaman: hold em it is (deals cards)
( Saint Pete begins the announcing)
Saint peter : It seems as if Bobdaman has a Pair of aces. Everyone else seems to be
running a little empty
Bodaman: ok post your blinds Lets start with 100 for small
blind and 200 for a large
Satan: (places 100 on table)
ok there is the small blind. God place the large
God: right ( places 100) lets play
Saint Pete: God has only placed 100 let’s see if anyone
catches on
Bobdaman: wait you only put 100
God: wrong there is 200 there ( 100 chips magically appear)
Bobdaman: I could have sworn there were only 100 chips… Oh
well (Bob also places 200) satan you still in?
Satan: you bet your bottom soul and I raise you 4000 chips
Saint Pete: Whoa in a turn of events it seems as if Satan is
razing with nothing. Wait Satan now has 2 aces
God : I’m out ( folds)
Bobdaman : im sure my cards will beat you even without the
river cards
Satan: well let’s see them
Saint Pete: the river comes up 3 aces and a king
Bobdaman: ok I raise you another 4000
Satan: ok
Saint Pete : show your cards
Satan: AHAHAHAHA FIVE ACES you lose
Bobdaman: wait I didn’t have a 3 and a 6 I had 2 aces. And
there is now way you can have five aces. Your cheating you stole my cards.
Satan: nope I never moved from this seat
Bobdaman: you are Satan you can cheat with out moving
Satan: you’re just a sore looser. AND NOW IVE GOT THE CHIP
LEAD
Bobdaman: whatever, If this happens again I’m leaving, your
dealing God
God: right
Saint peter: God has dealt the cards and everyone it seems
if God has a king and and a four. Both bob and Satan have nothing
Bob: I fold
Satan and God: you can’t fold!!!!!
Bob: why not
God: because that leaves me playing Satan. That’s not a good
idea… the last time we played a game it was monopoly and when I won he melted
my houses to the table. That’s why we invited you to come and play
Bobdaman: well it’s in the rules and I fold
Satan: (baby voice) well that’s no fun I QUIT
God: but what about you soul bob
Saint Pete: Whoa, this isn’t fair and you both know it
points to God and Satan. Satan you stole his cards and changed the deck and God
you posted an illegal blind
God: peter, you are right, you pass
Saint Pete : what pass what
God: the test . You don’t have to guard the gate anymore
this whole game was a test of your loyalty and truthfulness
Bobdaman: Wait so I was just a pawn
Satan: me too God how come you never told me
God: yes bob you were a pawn but you to will be rewarded for
your troubles. As for you Satan, you failed you deliberately cheated and tried
to get me to cheat.
Satan: you did cheat. So then, it’s ok. You posted a fake
blind
God: no I didn’t I just posted to little and then posted
more…
Satan: damnit
God: as you wish
(Satan falls off chair and is carried away by peter and bob)
God: once a loser always a loser. As for you two. Peter you
are admitted into heaven and bob when you die you will guard the gate until you
prove yourself worthy.
Bob: how do I do that?
God: you have to trust people. You assume everyone is out to
get you. Let loose enjoy earth so that you may enjoy heaven
(Bob faints) (Exit God)
Saint Pete: well folks that’s the end of the game. Seems as
if everyone got what they deserved. Somehow, God always makes it work out in
the end..
(Exit Saint Pete)
FIN
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